This isn’t my standard blog post. I’m not thinking about my writing rules, or
blogging edict. I don’t have a theme scripture
verse to quote because I don’t know which one apples. I just need to ask some questions; or maybe I
just that I need to vent. Today, as I
write this, I’m not sure I know the difference.
What should I do when I’ve tried to forgive those who hurt me,
and I really mean it in the pit of my heart; but they don’t forgive me in
return? I get angry at my hurt. But mostly I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve broken too many hearts in my lifetime. Everyone is disappointed in me. They don’t know, or want to know, how to help
me. Everything is broken, and they don’t
want it fixed. That’s how I know I am
not forgiven. I had a bad reaction meds
and it turned into a bad situation. As a
result everything is broken. They don’t
want to help me anymore. They don’t want
to be around me anymore. I know my
disorders have a long list of symptoms, some of which include not seeing things
as they are. But this has been going on
for half a year now. If it were all in
my mind, the truth would have shown itself somewhere by now. The place I love the most, and the people
there, want to wipe their hands of me.
I’ve not been in a good place lately. Love and support are as vital, if not more
so, than the correct meds. The bible
says we are made for relationship. I don’t
have a husband. I know that I have to be
obedient enough to get that blessing. I’ve
failed. In the mean time, my psyche
falls apart a little more each day because I don’t have the love connection in
my world that most others have.
I had some good support.
Then, as my doctor puts it, I was hit in the chest with a two by
four. I lost my support, and my health
issues have spun out of control. But, I’m
left with just me and my prayers to muddle through. I’ve lost count of the med changes. I’ve started having memory gaps. There was a time in my past about 8 or 10
years ago when that happened for a while; my state of mind was so bad that I
lost periods of time. Now, I find myself
in front of my computer, or in my room, or the kitchen, and I have no idea what
I’m supposed to do with this. I stare at
whatever it is in front of me and I have no idea what this is for or what I am
doing with it. One day this week, I
forgot the name of a guy I know. We
haven’t been close friends, but I know him.
We had one ‘date’ where we hung out at my place and watched a
movie. We often talk. I tried for several minutes to remember his
name, and in the end I had to look it up.
This memory gap is something that I thought left me years ago. Now it’s back. It’s a scary place.
What’s wrong with me?
Everyone wants me to will
myself better. They talk like I should
be able to do it. This tells me they
must have, or know people who have. I
can’t. So why not? What’s wrong with me?
I know that God forgives me. Does He believe me that I really forgive, or want to forgive, others? But what those about others? Do they forgive me? Do they believe me? Does it matter? What if I need it anyway, and I'm not getting it?
Forgive me for not being the courier of a great message,
today, that so many of you tell me you’ve come to count on. I really do love and appreciate all of
you. I hope I haven’t disappointed you
too much.
Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYou my friend did not hurt or disappoint me.We are who we are God made us and loves us If he dose who can not each other unconditionally love like God dose.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support friends. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHi CARLEY , I love forgiveness. Thank you. I sure need it! Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. Blessings to you. HUGS.
DeleteSometimes you can will yourself better and other times you can't and need the help of the medical profession. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. God loves you for you .
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support. It really does help so much. I wish more people understood how important even a little support and validation is to someone who is hurting. It can mean the difference between night and day. Many blessings to you. HUGS.
DeleteMy heart grieves for your sadness. Thank you for asking us to be bold in our thoughts and I will pray for your right relationship with God and the world we live in. In the meantime, here are some thoughts I have on the subject.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is something you do for YOU because it is the right thing to do.
While we hold our human friendships a little too dearly, we cannot be responsible for their ability to forgive, forget, or move one.
If you want to repair a broken relationship and remain friends, then you should probably first pray about it and then see if you can talk privately with this person (not asking for their forgiveness), but to again apologize for that which you are sorry for and ask if you can remain friends or whatever relationship you are looking to resume.
It’s unfortunate that we have become a country where all that we have (possessions and friends) seem to be disposable. God would not like the poor stewards of society we have become. We are wasteful of what he has entrusted to us. Nevertheless, we must move on knowing you are a forgiven Child of Christ. Continue to follow Christ and put your best foot forward in God's Truth.
Let’s face it . . . that bridge may be destroyed beyond repair, and it may be time to move on. If you continue to be offended, then know you are not responding in a way God would want you to respond. God does not want our hearts to be offended (and yet, we fall to this sin over and over again).
The walk we have with Christ was never meant to be an “easy” one. We need His help around every corner. As such, stay in relationship with God through your study in his word. Guard your heart this day and everyday (Prov 4:23). Praise God for all the mercies, forgiveness, grace, and love he has for YOU this day and everyday! You are loved by the God (and people) who count the most! -- EHAGFELD
Here are some Joyce Meyer-isms on the subject that may provide some insight better than I can:
Delete- Choose today to start living a lifestyle of forgiveness and refuse to be offended.
- Every day you have the opportunity to be offended. Why not choose to live with a constant attitude of mercy and forgiveness instead.
- Do what is right, be kind, forgive quickly, easy to get along with (difficult to offend), have a heart sensitive to God's touch. Place your confidence in Christ and Christ alone. Do not place your confidence in flesh, in your degrees, in your possessions. Place your confidence in God's annointing on your life.
Joyce Meyer (See #4)
Power Thoughts (Book)
1) I can do whatever I need to do in life through Christ (Phil 4:13)
2) God loves me unconditionally
3) I will not live in fear
4) I am difficult to offend
5) I love people and enjoy helping them
6) I trust God completely, there is no need for me to worry
7) I am content and emotionally stable
8) God meets all of my needs abundantly
9) I pursue peace with God, myself, and others
10) I live in the present and I enjoy each moment.
11) I am a disciplined and self-controlled person
12) I put God first in my life.
- Being offended is a hindrance to you. People go to church offended. The work "offense" means a stumbling block, a place where we stumble in our walk with God. The devil tries to keep us angry and upset at others because it is a hindrance to our walk with God.
- Instead of worrying about who's offending us, we need to worry more about us offending God. When we mistreat others, we offend God just as a parent is offended when their child is mistreated. Sometimes we don't think about how we're treating others. The most important thing to God is how we treat people and our love walk. Stop judging others and start walking in love because Jesus is coming back. Don't let anything hinder you. If we are going to spend our lives doing this, we need to do it the way God wants it done.
- People who are easily offended are insecure. They feel bad about themselves and its everyone else's job in the world to keep them 'fixed'. Insecure people don't know who they are in Christ. they aren't secure on the inside, so they need security on the outside from everyone else 'fixing' them and when people aren't actively doing everything they can to 'fix' them, they get offended.
- If you don't like yourself, everything is going to offend you, because if everyone is having to keep you propped up, someone is going to slip up at the job at some time.
- Jesus had plenty of opportunity and justification to be offended, but refused it. You do not have time to be offended!
Unfortunately, life is not fair and we all fall short of the glory of God. Know where you are in this beautiful, but often broken relationship with Christ and strive to follow His will in all that you do.
Thank you so much Evelyn. I don't know where to start to make it more clear how special your support is, and how much it helps to know you understand. I wish you were closer to me so we could go out for a tea together and chat. I've heard some of these Joyce Meyer-ism's before. I see lots of things by her on my Facebook page all the time. I know that being a Christian means agreeing to a difficult life. I also know it is worth it. I do wonder, though, why it seems I have to learn so many lessons over and over again. Why do I keep dropping the ball? I have had a super difficult time making and keeping friends my whole life. My research has shown me that it is typical for those with Social Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar Disorders; though I can't imagine that these health issues are the whole problem. I will keep pushing myself as I have the strength; and when I don't I will keep leaning on Jesus. There's still so much I need to learn. I still feel like a baby Christian so often. Does that feeling ever go away? People have hurt me. I miss those friendships so much; and I don't have a mate to lean on through life. Sometimes my strength (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) are just at an all time low. This was the case this time. I will rebuilt again and keep going. One day my loneliness will go away, and all the forgiveness I need from other people will not seem like a big deal. Thanks, again; for the support. Many blessings to you. HUGS.
DeleteCarley,
ReplyDeleteFollowing your blogs on this over the past 6 months, I understand what you are going through.
You are not responsible when things happen as a result of medication changes. Your so called ""friends" at church are holding against you something that is not in your control. They do not understand, bipolar illness. Do not believe them that you can "will" yourself to get better. (I believed that lie 20 years ago and it got me in a heck of a lot of trouble.) They are filling you with satan's lies.
God tells you over and over again in His word that you are not alone, that HE loves you unconditionally, that you are HIS. That you are forgiven. you do not need this persons forgiveness. you did nothing wrong. BELIEVE what GOD says about you. You are His child, His bride, His beloved. His SON died for you. I so wish that I could come over, have a cup of tea or coffee, hug you to wipe your tears, encourage you in person, but you will need to accept it all from me over the wire.
PLEASE< PLEASE tell your doc about your memory issues. You may not be getting enough sleep, or the right kind of sleep, your anxiety may be interfering with your ability to think straight. Or your hormones may be over stressed. I recently started seeing a chiropractor who recommended to me a supplement that she sells at her office called Simplex F (the F is for female, they also have one for males) that gives the vitamins which help the adrenal glands produce the hormones necessary for the entire bodies hormones to get into synch. When we are under stress (as you have been) our adrenals do not work properly. they are responsible to get other hormone producing organs to work properly.
Talk to your doctor. See a specialist for hormone issues. Stress, sleep, exercise, thyroid.
Let these people go, Carley. Your forgiving them is far more important than they forgiving you. You have done what you can. They are not cooperating. They are not willing to help you. They are not willing to take the 2X4 they hit you with and break it down into toothpicks. You need to let the LORD burn that 2X4 and turn it into ashes and let it fly away in the wind. Better yet, think of it as a part of the CROSS that He bore for you.
Lord Jesus, precious Jesus, COVER my dear Carley with your blood, give her your peace that passes understanding, protect her with your love for her, give her grace to let go, give her patience for the fulfillment of a spouse, give her other friends who will care and love her, give her others to understand her, give her rest, peace and comfort. Give her understanding. Miraculously cover her with peace, and by your blood send away satan and all his lies.
Carley, from a sister who has been there, knows what you are going through, and wants to encourage you that you are loved. Ravyna
Great response, Ravyna! I can see you are coming from a friend who truly understands what our dear Carley is experiencing. May you both benefit greatly this day and every day by God's great favor. -- Evelyn
DeleteThank you Ravyna. You are another that I love dearly, yet we only know each other through the blessing of Spark. I also wish you were close enough so we could get together and chat.
DeleteOn a side note: I hope that Chris's CD's are a blessing to you. He just released another video last week. Later this year, he is doing a secular CD. It will be interesting to see how that comes out.
My meds... it is a whole world by itself. So many side effects, good and bad that result from them. And, then the disorders. I've learned that so many people just do not understand the issues as they relate to Bipolar Disorder no matter how much I attempt to explain. I hope that the book I am writing will do it justice. I want so much to help others, so that there is hope for those who are suffering, and understanding for their loved ones who would like to help.
There is so much that I understand when I am not in an episode. I know that God loves me and that there is no limit to what He would do to help me. On the other hand, when I am in a bad episode, often basic things seem compliacted and near impossible to comprehend. Until there is a cure, this will be an issue for BPD patients.
I have talked to my Doc about my memory issues. I went for blood work today. I will get the results, hopefully, at the end of the week at my next appointment.
It hurts to think of letting go of people that I love so much. But when I don't know that they love me back, I don't know what to do. I've tried talking, but five minutes into the conversation I was kicked out.
In the past few days I have literally seen the scripture "Be still and know that I am God" more times than I can count. It is crossing my path everywhere I look. God is trying so hard to help me hear Him again. There was a time when I could hear His voice and direction very clearly. I read a blog by Victoria Osteen that talked about how sometimes God's voice sounds like static as if we were driving in a car and the radio suddenly turns to static. We have to wait until we hit a place where there is a good signal to get it back. I am in the midst of a static location. Soon, the signal will return.
Many blessings to you. Love your friend, Carley HUGS.
About the gaps in memory, I have those at times. Some people might say it is because I am getting older, but this has been occurring ever since my twenties when I had a stroke and didn't know what happened. Later a brain scan showed its effects. What is interesting is that usually about midnight or 1 AM, I remember what it was that had escaped me!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I went for some blood-work today. It could be medications side effects. It could be a nutrition issue. When I'm stressed, I tend not to eat much. I know when I had these issues before (about 8 years ago), it eventually went away when my stress load was decreased and I started eating healthy. It is rather fascinating that you remember about the same time each day. I'm a firm believe there are solutions to be found when one can see definite patterns in things. Many blessings to you, and thanks for the support. HUGS.
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