How My Angel Fell Off the Edge of Heaven

~~ Philippians 4:13 (NKJV) ~~  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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by Carley Cooper

Prodraw Graphics Public Gallery Photo

Image Title: FallenAngel, Author: Isaura

My original plan for the five article series on angels ended with the last post, “Angels: AJack-of-All-Trades”.  (Thanks to my readers for the great feedback on this series, and for sharing your awesome angel stories with me!  I really enjoyed them!)  Since then God has brought to light for me another type of angel.  Though I briefly touched on it in the last piece, I hadn’t really given the idea of ‘Fallen Angels’ much serious thought.   

I mean, I know that some of the celestial type willingly jumped off the edge of the clouds of Heaven to play in the tar pit; but what about the other angels... the ones that live here with us?  What happens when one of your angels falls off their pedestal?  It can be devastating and life altering.  It can make you question everything you know.  This happened to me.  Someone important in my life has completely changed the nature of our relationship.  It’s left a very big hole in my life that no one else can fill.  It’s made me question the relationship I thought we had.  Is it real?  Was it ever real?  How could I have let my guard down and trusted someone that much?  I knew better; didn’t I?  How do I know who I can trust in the future?  How do I know what’s solid and reliable in my present?  I have plans and goals that I am working toward; and I’ve come to second guess my whole focus and strategy. 

God has been working very hard to remind me of a few things since this happened.  I got a few  divine messages that are slowly helping the dust clear from my head.  I’ve been lead through a long, hard journey in my lifetime to learn to become independent and strong; and an even harder journey to learn to think positively, standing on my own two feet.  I won’t go into the details on that here and now because... well, because I could write a book about that journey.  As a matter of fact I am writing one.  For my loyal followers, be patient, it’s coming!  Anyway, God has taught me (and more than once it seems) that there is no setback that I can’t overcome as long as He is with me (Philippians 4:13 NKJV).  Why do I forget this sometimes? 

Everyone makes mistakes (Romans 3:23 NIV84).  I am to learn from it and move on.  I also, am not, to hold a grudge against someone for what I perceive to be a wrong (Luke 6:37 NIV84).  There is messy stuff that we just don’t want to face; pain, hurt, rejection, anger, the intense need to smack a guy up the side of the head to make him smarten up (eh, well, maybe that last one is strictly a female thing).  These things are certainly difficult, but once you get through it you’ll find that wonderful new things are waiting for you.  My friend once told me, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”.  Good advice!  I can’t let the past dictate my future.  God doesn’t want me to live that way.  I did for way too long and He’s worked hard to bring me out of that place; so I just can’t throw that gift back to Him.  It would be like saying “Thanks Lord, but I’d rather play in the dirt”.  Truthfully, the original hurt made me really want to play in dirt again.  It honestly looked like the better option.  It’s an option that I am familiar with and comfortable with.  However, God is reaching out to me.  I’ve seen the signs and I have to stop ignoring them.  It is my responsibility to reach out and take His hand.  Romans 12:2 (NLT) tells us “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”  God is challenging me to hold on to the new  mindset that He’s worked so hard to instil in me.  I have to stop listening to lies from the enemy and accept God’s test.   Hmmm, come to think of it, I have been praying that He would show me when He’s testing my faith.  I certainly have no right to complain when He answers. 

My very special friend Ramona put it this way “I know it's corny, but whenever something is removed from our grasp it's usually because God is making room for something better.  Keep the faith, Carley!”  Of course, she also summed it all up very nicely in one of her own blogs by saying “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!”.  Good advice as well!  On a side note, she also said that I should go buy some awesome new shoes to go with the big girl panties.  (Thanks for the advice Ramona.  You’re a Babe!  I’m thinking red high heels.  Whatta ya think?) 

That’s not to say that all is perfect in the world again.  As far as I can see I still feel like it’s no longer moving on its axis.  I still don’t know the answers to so many questions I have.  I only know that God does know the answers.  I can’t demand that someone respond the way I would like them to.  I can’t make them accept apologies or believe me when I tell them things have changed.  It’s also likely that next time I will test and re-test the water before I open up; but I have to keep faith in Jesus to lead me through.  Not only that but, that hole is still there and it still hurts very much.  How am I to fill that big hole in my life?  I don’t!  God will fill it, and I’m starting to feel a tingle of excitement in anticipation about what He’s going to fill it with.   

I’ve come to realize that if anyone is on a pedestal it’s ‘cause I put them there (hmmm, another lesson that I seem to remember learning before).  No one should be placed on that pedestal other than Jesus.  I am also reminded that my perception of right and wrong is distorted, at best, to begin with.  If the view looks different, maybe it wasn’t my angel who walked over the edge.  Maybe it was me.  It would certainly explain the nasty bump I just felt and the dusty brain.

I love the artwork above.  It's titled 'Fallen Angel'.  I want to reach out and hold her and let her cry on my shoulder without saying a word to her.  I just want to let her feel the safety to let her feelings out without the fear of being judged or rejected because of it.  I so very much want to let her know she is loved no matter what; no matter how broken she is.  I chose this artwork for this post because she looks like me... she has the same body I had most of my life, same hair, same color.  But more importantly; just like me, she's also alone, with the same tears, hopeless feelings and broken wings.  It hurts to see myself like this, but what hurts even more is that someone I love very, very much sees me like this now and has rejected me because of it.  I am broken and no longer good enough in his eyes.  I no longer have his respect, admiration or love.  It's turned my world upside down.  It's a pattern I've seen many times in my life when people suddenly see that I'm not the perfect person they thought I was.  Why do we see ourselves like this, when God sees us so differently?  Why does the opinion of others matter so much?

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~~ Dear God ~~  Thank You for never giving up on me.  Thank You for the strength that You give me that carries me through each day.  Thank You for testing my faith.  Help me to see myself and things clearly; from Your point of view.  I also pray that You could help me adjust to changes easier in my life.  I pray that You will restore my brokenness in the eyes of my lost loved ones.  Please help me fill the void that is left and to feel Your peace with me each and every day.  In Jesus name, AMEN.

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